I’ve been going through this battle myself, and can understand how easily one can lose.
It’s taking all my will to stay here. But my will is less…
I started taking Lithium (600 mg) about 2 weeks ago. It’s the fifth drug we’ve tried since the imposter set out to end my life.
On this new-for-me drug, it’s been hard to do anything—to think, to write, to draw, to eat, to read, to walk, to stand, to get out of bed…
I have less will, like my will’s fatigued, or like it’s been hijacked.
I’ve also lost some of my will to continue.
I don’t want to be will-less any longer than I have to. So, I’ll hopefully start weaning off Lithium tomorrow.
And, if it’s not the drug that’s taken my will, I might have to re-admitted into a psychiatric ward. Might be the only way to make sure I stay safe.
Remember: It’s not me who wants to die. I want to live. It’s this thing in my head that wants to die, trying to make me do it, all the time.
All I’ve wanted since completing my 18-year project and reentering my studio has been to move forward, to enter this next part of my life.
Before the imposter entered my brain—almost 5 months ago—I was making new work, sketching new ideas, making plans with my Bill.
Things had fallen into place.
I never would have thought things could get so far from that place.
These past couple weeks, the first time since this psychosis started, I feel stuck, wedged in cement from the neck down, for the first time really worried about whether or not I’m going to get through this.
Is this a Lithium-induced will-less-ness talking? (Please, let this will-less-ness be caused by the Lithium…)
When the Lithium is out of my system, will the same artist-warrior-princess-drive to fight—which has gotten me this far—be back, ready to battle again?
Will I get my will back?
If you have interest in making a donation: https://www.gofundme.com/living-and-medical-expenses-for-amy (there are also several drawings available as well as new “Perpetual Yard Sale” items).
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24-hour): 1-800-273-8255