Will-Less-Ness

Another extraordinary singer has lost his battle, ending his life (first Chris Cornell, now Chester Bennington).

I’ve been going through this battle myself, and can understand how easily one can lose.

It’s taking all my will to stay here. But my will is less…

I started taking Lithium (600 mg) about 2 weeks ago. It’s the fifth drug we’ve tried since the imposter set out to end my life.

On this new-for-me drug, it’s been hard to do anything—to think, to write, to draw, to eat, to read, to walk, to stand, to get out of bed… 

I have less will, like my will’s fatigued, or like it’s been hijacked.

I’ve also lost some of my will to continue.

I don’t want to be will-less any longer than I have to. So, I’ll hopefully start weaning off Lithium tomorrow.

And, if it’s not the drug that’s taken my will, I might have to re-admitted into a psychiatric ward. Might be the only way to make sure I stay safe.

Remember: It’s not me who wants to die. I want to live. It’s this thing in my head that wants to die, trying to make me do it, all the time.

It’s important to be present. But, I want to be well beyond where I was then, and well beyond where I am now. Photo taken by Ruth Sylmor in 2008 at my 5th solo biennial LIGHT.

All I’ve wanted since completing my 18-year project and reentering my studio has been to move forward, to enter this next part of my life. 

Before the imposter entered my brain—almost 5 months ago—I was making new work, sketching new ideas, making plans with my Bill.

Things had fallen into place.

I never would have thought things could get so far from that place.

These past couple weeks, the first time since this psychosis started, I feel stuck, wedged in cement from the neck down, for the first time really worried about whether or not I’m going to get through this.

Is this a Lithium-induced will-less-ness talking? (Please, let this will-less-ness be caused by the Lithium…)

When the Lithium is out of my system, will the same artist-warrior-princess-drive to fight—which has gotten me this far—be back, ready to battle again?

Will I get my will back?

Detail of a sketch for a new concept; something I was thinking about before the imposter started trying to take over.

If you have interest in making a donation: https://www.gofundme.com/living-and-medical-expenses-for-amy (there are also several drawings available as well as new “Perpetual Yard Sale” items).

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24-hour): 1-800-273-8255

5 Comments

  1. Dear Amy,
    I am holding you in my heart and sending tons of love and life energy to you and your artist – warrior – princess. Love, Arline

  2. Amy, I am so sorry to hear how hard it continues to be. Let me ask you this: have you been able to get any body work or movement therapy? Sometimes being touched or making yourself move can be very hard when trauma and grief have taken over your mind with their story of reality. But it’s also true that these things, from practitioners who understand trauma and who understand artists, can also be crucial to recovery. Healing ceremony with someone very experienced in indigenous medicine or shamanic processes can also move such an “imposter” out of the way. I know these things from experience, so please don’t think I’m pushing an agenda. You might have to travel out of your area, though if you’re near a city (Portland is nearby yes?), there might be someone close by, where you can get this kind of help. They will be much more effective than a psychiatric unit of a hospital, who only see this as a disorder, the brain gone wrong, rather than an intricate journey into the darkness for ultimate union with the self and creation (or the light) if you can hang in there. I send this with love in the dark and the light.

  3. We love you Amy and really hope and pray that this damned imposter will leave you. Please stay strong. Hugs. Krista and Owen

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *