Whatever It Takes

Whatever It Takes
This is I bridge I built over our stream, using materials left over from my exhibits (these are Bill’s handsome feet). I’ve been wanting to do this for 8 years.

Whatever it takes.

It took longer to write this short post. But, I must get my words out, no matter what, and not just written, but out there.  

It helps to get the information out of my mind and into the world, as if there’s not enough room in my brain nor my home for me, the saboteur, the imposter, and these ideas.

Everything is harder for Bill as well. Like he’s being pressed against our walls too. I’m starting to worry (more than I was), about the stress my illness is causing everyone in our house (this video was helpful; I know we’ll get through this). As expected, our pets are on edge too.

Whatever It Takes
I’ve been making plants too.

I will be trying a new drug in about 2 weeks (outside the psychiatric ward, things take a lot longer). Until then the imposter’s thoughts seem to grow and grow, as I get more and more fatigued. The distractions have to be bigger and bigger, but I am too tired to do these larger activities for very long. 

I don’t want to go back to a psychiatric ward if I can help it. So, I’m doing whatever it takes to get through these next 2 weeks (hell, these next 2 hours).

Right now, when I reach that I’m-too-tired-to-distract-myself-with-this-larger-thing point, I go back to bed. Because, that’s all I can do. And, I can’t harm myself if I’m sleeping.

Whatever It Takes
And, I’m painting our garage doors, and the doors on our house, something I’ve also wanted to do for a while…

I still can only write and draw 1-2 hours each day.

I’m so grateful for this time.

And, I am progressing projects forward.

Then the rest of the day is filled with things to distract, to hold the imposter’s thoughts at bay; then more sleep (it’s ultimately my 2nd new-for-me antipsychotic drug—the one I’m on now—that’s making me fatigued and sleepy, also perhaps the duration of this illness). 

Whatever It Takes
I’ve been managing to get some drawings done in my little bit of time.

Because the distractions have to be bigger now, I’m splitting this distraction time between a little bit of puzzle (Bill is still in full-on, puzzle-distraction mode; so do please keep them coming); a little bit of coloring; a little bit of reading; then things that move our house forward. 

This time last year I was clearing and cleaning a mill, so I could make my memory-based installations. Now I am making new work, and things for our house…

and doing whatever it takes to get through this.  

If you have interest in making a donation: https://www.gofundme.com/living-and-medical-expenses-for-amy (there are also several drawings available as well as new “Perpetual Yard Sale” items).

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24-hour): 1-800-273-8255

Whatever It Takes
Doing some testing for an installation I plan to do one day…


  1. Amy, as I finished your piece this morning, and thought about the 18 years of preparing and presenting and preparing and presenting, and. . . . I realized that the only time in my life that I ever considered suicide when (at age 20, after 18 years of constant training as Princess Bride to Be) my fiance dumped me for a girl he met on the beach at a rock festival. I didn’t name the imposter, the part of me that was now dead and trying to kill the rest of me. But you did! You made the leap and identified the imposter. You knew that the imposter is not YOU. I didn’t. I blamed myself. I was the imposter Princess not good enough for the man that “God” had prepared for me. It makes me sick to think of it. I was unable to distract myself. I started making stupid decisions that really should have killed me. But didn’t. I kept on making stupid decisions, for years, that should have killed me. But didn’t. And in the process, I became someone else. Not the princess, not the queen, but the explorer. Sometimes as I read your work, I reflect on my life and see fragments of the dreams of the princess in my work. I am always lost when a big creative work is completed. It leaves such a huge hole of time to wonder if the spiritual ecstacy is over because I am not good enough to sustain it. I just want you to know that your power goes way beyond what you might believe right now. You are really helping me. With love, BH

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