Whatever it takes.
It took longer to write this short post. But, I must get my words out, no matter what, and not just written, but out there.
It helps to get the information out of my mind and into the world, as if there’s not enough room in my brain nor my home for me, the saboteur, the imposter, and these ideas.
Everything is harder for Bill as well. Like he’s being pressed against our walls too. I’m starting to worry (more than I was), about the stress my illness is causing everyone in our house (this video was helpful; I know we’ll get through this). As expected, our pets are on edge too.
I will be trying a new drug in about 2 weeks (outside the psychiatric ward, things take a lot longer). Until then the imposter’s thoughts seem to grow and grow, as I get more and more fatigued. The distractions have to be bigger and bigger, but I am too tired to do these larger activities for very long.
I don’t want to go back to a psychiatric ward if I can help it. So, I’m doing whatever it takes to get through these next 2 weeks (hell, these next 2 hours).
Right now, when I reach that I’m-too-tired-to-distract-myself-with-this-larger-thing point, I go back to bed. Because, that’s all I can do. And, I can’t harm myself if I’m sleeping.
I still can only write and draw 1-2 hours each day.
I’m so grateful for this time.
And, I am progressing projects forward.
Then the rest of the day is filled with things to distract, to hold the imposter’s thoughts at bay; then more sleep (it’s ultimately my 2nd new-for-me antipsychotic drug—the one I’m on now—that’s making me fatigued and sleepy, also perhaps the duration of this illness).
Because the distractions have to be bigger now, I’m splitting this distraction time between a little bit of puzzle (Bill is still in full-on, puzzle-distraction mode; so do please keep them coming); a little bit of coloring; a little bit of reading; then things that move our house forward.
This time last year I was clearing and cleaning a mill, so I could make my memory-based installations. Now I am making new work, and things for our house…
and doing whatever it takes to get through this.
If you have interest in making a donation: https://www.gofundme.com/living-and-medical-expenses-for-amy (there are also several drawings available as well as new “Perpetual Yard Sale” items).
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24-hour): 1-800-273-8255