It was incredibly difficult to write this, but wanted to provide an update if I could.
For over 9 months now, I’ve had what doctors have been calling a suicidal psychosis.
I don’t want to end my life. But, 24 hours a day my brain shows me suicidal images, unless I’m distracted.
I call these suicidal images “the imposter” because they feel like an alien which has taken over part of my brain.
I’ve been in bed, bedbound the past 10 weeks. I think this is because after these many months of images, my brain needed to shut down.
Antipsychotic drugs haven’t worked, but a Facebook friend sent an article about how brain inflammation can cause suicidal thoughts.
My primary care physician prescribed over the counter anti-inflammatory drugs, to see if i there was any difference.
During the trial, the images were still here but in the background. As soon as I stopped the drugs, the images entered the foreground again.
The next step is a neurologist consult, and a brain scan (first appointment’s not until February).
Some days, I’m able to do 20 minutes or so of writing the first time I wake up (I sleep a lot). Then my brain turns away and back to the frustrating suicidal images.
I’ve been using this 20 minutes to apply for grants so I can hire a carpenter and assistants, to help me make new work while finishing my book next year, whatever it takes.
I’m excited about my ideas, and still confident I will get past this.
If you have interest in making a donation: https://www.gofundme.com/living-and-medical-expenses-for-amy (there are also several drawings available as well as “Perpetual Yard Sale” items).
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24-hour): 1-800-273-8255