For the last 6+ months, I’ve had a suicidal psychosis, “suicidal ideation with psychotic features.” I call my suicidal thoughts “the imposter” because they feel like an alien which has taken over part of my brain.
Twenty-four hours a day, the imposter shows me images of what I look like after I’ve ended my life (“Level 1”), or images of me while I’m ending my life (“Level 2”). And when it’s really bad (“Level 3″), it wills me toward ending my life (I’ve been hospitalized for Level 3 thoughts twice in the last 6 months).
I don’t want to end my life. But this is all the imposter thinks about and shows me, unless I’m distracted (by talking, puzzle-doing, watching movies, sleeping, etc.)
I’ve been in bed the past 2 weeks. I don’t know if this is because I’m now depressed, or because my brain needs to rest.
All I know is I’ve been sleeping a lot, and it’s hard to do anything but lie still.
I’m trapped in my head in my bed. And, it feels like the imposter is winning.
Bill and I think I’m bed bound because my brain is tired from all the images. It’s scary because it feels like my brain is shutting down. And, we like my brain.
Four weeks ago, I had an appointment at Planned Parenthood to see if hormone imbalance could be the culprit for this whole thing. I’ve been consistently “peaking” (“Level 3”) just before each period.
Planned Parenthood suggested I try birth control pills, eventually stopping my period altogether. They think this could at least keep the imposter’s visual thoughts at Level 1 or 2.
It can take 3 cycles before we know whether or not this is going to work.
So far, I’ve had one period since starting the birth control pills. I peaked, but it was different, stretched over a long distance, like the edge was taken off. We are hoping the same thing (or better) happens next time.
My psychotherapist added that it could be the birth control pills, the changes happening with my hormones, that is keeping me in bed.
My psychiatrist had prescribed an 8th antipsychotic (Seroquel), in case I do hit Level 3, during this birth-control -pill experiment.
But, Bill and my psychotherapist asked that I start taking these pills now, to see if I can get some relief from the Level 1 and Level 2 images, to see if my brain will be less overwhelmed, to see if I can get out of bed, and do some living.
I’ve been missing so much.
If you have interest in making a donation: https://www.gofundme.com/living-and-medical-expenses-for-amy (there are also several drawings available as well as new “Perpetual Yard Sale” items).
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24-hour): 1-800-273-8255