Now I’m Not So Sure

Now I'm Not So Sure
Coloring continues to be one of the best ways I distract myself from the imposter. Puzzles too.

I think about my father every Father’s Day—my true father—who adopted me when I was 2 years old after he married my mother. 

Our father committed suicide when I was 7 years old.

He gathered my and my three younger brothers around the phone, called our mother and said, “If you don’t come for the children right now, I will kill us all.”

I can still hear these words, still play them in my mind, like a recording.

Then, he put me and my three younger brothers out on the porch to hold hands, to wait, while he pulled down the shades…

Since my own struggle with suicidal thoughts began almost 4 months ago, my perception about my father’s suicide has changed. My perception of all suicide has changed.

I used to think ending his life was something my father chose to do. 

Now I’m not so sure.

My own suicidal thoughts are not thoughts I’m choosing to have. And, if I were to end my life, I don’t feel it wouldn’t be my choice, nor something I did to myself.

First of all, I’m happy! I look forward to spending time with my family and friends, for peaceful and simple things, and to making new work… 

Secondly, it’s like a part of my brain has gone rogue while the rest of it’s doing its best to spend time with the people and pets in my life, to garden, to walk, to create art, to write, to eat, to sleep…;

And this rogue part, “the imposter”, is only thinking about this one thing, ending my life. I have to consciously distract myself and the imposter to get the imposter to stop the thoughts or to dull them.

Keeping distracted has been helping me stay alive. But, it’s really my will that keeps me alive, just me and my will. And, this will seems different from choice. I am literally doing all I can to stay alive. 

I can see how this could get tiring after a while. How someone could give up.

So, I wonder now, whether or not my father had a choice when he ended his life, whether or not this was something he could control.

Did my father have an imposter too?

Do most people who end their lives have an imposter?

Do most people who are thinking about taking their lives have an imposter?

Is it always correct to say someone has “committed” suicide?

Now I’m not so sure.

Please pass this post and others on to anyone you think it could help. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24-hour): 1-800-273-8255. To access my Go Fund Me page click here. There are also several drawings available as well as new “Perpetual Yard Sale” items).

5 Comments

  1. Amy – thank you again for sharing. You are a strong lady and you know those who love you are for you during times when Fatigue sets in.

  2. Hello from a Facebook friend who you don’t know. However I want to say that I work with some suicidal children and it is tough. Sometimes I feel I know it intimately, have had training, and have been in this work for over a decade. But until I read and followed your thoughts and feelings I never did really know. It’s great that you share this private struggle. I feel deeply for you having been so close to the experience with children . Thank you. Keep going, keep fighting, and I hope someday it won’t be such s fight.. Stay here. Stay so people can help you more and more, stay for others tho the imposter says no, and please know that you have helped me and others understand so much more. We don’t say committed suicide. We say took their lives. We love the Trevor Foundation 24/7 for lgbtq youth. Since you have a list above 1866-488-7386. Our transgender kids are in the highest risk level at 52 percent, and so I am most thankful for your bravery sharing, and for every single person you helped gain insight and compassion. I will continue to think of you . Thank you for the beauty you also share. Stay, make art.

  3. Thank you so much for writing so clearly and with such vulnerability. I find your work and your story truly powerful as a person and an artist. As a counselor, I’ve referred your stories about “The Imposter” to a client who is grieving a loss by suicide.
    Thank you. Be well, and may the imposter have less and less space in your psyche.

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