Mother’s Day

I always think about my mother on Mother’s Day.

It used to be—when I thought of her on this day and every mention of Mother’s Day—I wondered where she is.

I haven’t seen her face nor heard her voice in 23 years, half my life. But, I remember her face and her voice, as if I was 23, as if I was 7.

On some Mother’s Days, I was afraid she’d knock on my door, terrified of what might happen if she did.

I’d be able to see her through my door’s windows. I’d know it was her, even if she had her back toward its small panes of glass. I’d know the shape of her, the height of her, how she stood with her hip out. I’d even know if she meant to harm, or might harm, or didn’t intend to harm, but might harm anyway.

Would I have the courage to open my door, after asking who it is, even if I was pretty sure it was her?

If I didn’t have this courage to open my door, and I was certain she wouldn’t shoot me through it (yes, I sometimes feared she would come all this way to kill me), would she want to ask me things through my door?

Would I have the courage to answer, with my door between us?

Would she ask what I’ve been up to these last 23 years, as if nothing had happened during the first 23 years? Or would she ask to talk about what happened?

Would she ask to talk about what happened when I wasn’t ready? Or when I was in the middle of the hardest part of my life, when I shouldn’t be talking about what happened with my mother?

Or, would she tell me she loves me and ask for my forgiveness?

On this Mother’s Day, this first Mother’s Day since completing EMDR and adjusting to how this feels inside and outside my body—I wonder where she is.

I wonder if she’s happy. I wonder if she’s found peace.

A big part of me wants—when my 18 years are done—to ask her if she’s happy, to ask her if she’s found peace.

A big part of me wants to ask her these things—in person.

I imagine knocking on her door, and her look of shock if she sees me through her small panes of glass (I’d be facing forward), or her look of shock, if she’s found the courage to open the door, after asking who it is.

If she hasn’t found this courage, I’d ask her these things, through her door. Maybe, she’d have the courage to answer, with the door between us.

And if she hasn’t found this courage to answer, I’d say: “I hope you’re happy. I hope you’ve found peace. I love you. And, there’s nothing to forgive.”

Mother's Day
My mother at 18 years old.

14 Comments

  1. wow. the last sentence took my breath away and made me cry…..you are amazing amy! i love you!

    1. I love you too Miss Theresa. My friends are big part of the reason I’m in the place in my life I’m in now.

  2. My dear Amy,
    This is the most beautiful thing I have read. You are brave, very brave, kind and loving. I admired you for many things before, now, I will admire you for these too.
    I am so glad you reached a place in your heart to forgive your mother and continue to love her. I am sure you find this as a relief.
    Wishing you strength, peace and love. May you have your wishes come true.
    Munira

    1. Thank you so much for your words Munira xo. I don’t know that I would have reached this place without EMDR, but I do know that my relationships with my friends were as much a part. xo

  3. I, too, have found peace in some things and still finding my way through. Forgiving and excepting is the hardest mountian to climb, but with forgiving I have learned it releases control from the one that has held you hostage and breaks the chains that have been making ever moment hard to breathe. The freedom that takes a lifetime to achieve is the best gift of all. And at the end of it all you every in everyway the best version of yourself. Thank you for sharing.

  4. Amy I hope when you are ready that you will have the chance to find what you want. It’s good that you are doing some work around these things first. Wish you well in this last show in this series. Take care and be gentle with yourself.

  5. Amy,

    My dear cousin. Thank you for your share. I’ve read this at a very appropriate time, as working towards forgiveness and working through trauma has been a large focus in my life in hopes of experiencing true inner peace, also. I, too, have gotten to experience EMDR. I am not sure why, but I’ve often been struck with thoughts of you, your brothers and your lives since birth and how that has shaped you all. I love your share and to know you have found peace in forgiveness.

    1. Thank you so much for writing Lauri; I am so glad to hear that you are working toward inner peace as well. I think about all of you, dear cousins, a lot as well. Hope to meet again one day xo

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