Change Of Scenery

A micro post.

I have a suicidal psychosis, diagnosed as having “suicidal ideation with psychotic features.” I call my suicidal thoughts “the imposter” because they feel like an alien which has taken over the right side of my brain.

I don’t want to end my life. But this is all the imposter thinks about and tries to get me to do, unless I’m distracted.

Bill and I have been beyond tired and stressed. 

So, we really appreciated this past week. 

We went camping on Mount Desert Island, at the same spot we camp every year to celebrate our wedding anniversary. 

It is beautiful here, our place away from our place.

Much of the time—whether eating, napping, sitting by the fire, reading on my cot, staring at the water—I was distracted from what the imposter was trying to show me.

The rest of the time, the imposter’s images poked through, in this different place, images of me hanging using the tree limbs and extra rope we had in a bag.

We did pass a big test though. 

Bill watched the Patriot’s game in town, while I stayed with our dog in our tent (we brought 1 of our 2 dogs camping with us). This is the first time I have been left “alone” since this started. I wasn’t really alone with our dog there. I felt safe because I new if I left the tent, she would start barking—the imposter wouldn’t succeed. It also helped that Bill took the bag of rope with him.

It’s a surreal life we are living right now. But that’s the point.

We are living.

If you have interest in making a donation: https://www.gofundme.com/living-and-medical-expenses-for-amy (there are also several drawings available as well as new “Perpetual Yard Sale” items).

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24-hour): 1-800-273-8255

3 Comments

  1. I don’t know you Amy but I’ve learned so much from your postings and what it means to have an imposter by your side. I especIally liked this posting of you and Bill camping at Acadia National Park and being with your dog. Such meaningful images. One of my favorite places to camp is Black Woods. There is something deep and magic about being outside and especially having a campfire. I send my best to you and hope you get camping soon. Have you tried Mount Blue?
    Peace and love to you,
    Mary Donnelly

  2. September 10, 1990 – A day I have not forgotten … until just now – just now I realized that that horrible horrible day commenced and closed without once .. not one time .. of me thinking of a close intimate friend of mine – whose final choice was to pull the trigger – no second guess on that one .. it was a done deal .. for years I dreaded the approach of that day .. and certainly it was heavy laden with tears and regrets .. and what-if’s .. as the years went on .. the tears became less .. but I always took thought of the event and the surreal moment the news hit my ears.. I used to replay the details over and over again .. last year .. even as early as last year .. I reeled with the remembrance clutching my heart that so many years have passed by .. how could he .. but not even a hint that the day had come and gone … I am quite surprised that it is over .. that anniversary day is over … and the fact is .. I am amazed ! It was a weekend day … so maybe I wasn’t thinking of the actual day .. but nope .. never thought of it as September rolled around.. only 9 more days.. only 7 more days.. oh my God it is tomorrow.. but never once .. I feel kind of sad … that I missed it .. but I feel peaceful at the same time. Interesting for sure..

    I loved reading your micro post .. I am glad Bill took the bag with the rope .. I am happy your dog would bark if you decided to leave the tent! I absolutely love your work! I am also reading the book you wrote .. p o w e r f u l l y written ..

  3. Thank you, Amy, for so candidly sharing your experience of this suicidal psychosis [mis]adventure you [and Bill] have been on. I’ve followed your work and your blog for quite a while and have been impressed by your openness and honesty in your blog. I’ve had one medical [mis]adventure after another for the past number of years and tend to be more private about them. A couple of years ago I started posting on CaringBridge, and that to me felt so risky putting it all out there to be read by anyone. So your openness and willingness to share is an inspiration to me.
    It sounds like the camping trip was a healing experience. Happy anniversary, and I wish you well as you continue onward. Sending healing energy to you & Bill.
    Lois Anne

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