A micro post.
I have a suicidal psychosis, diagnosed as having “suicidal ideation with psychotic features.” I call my suicidal thoughts “the imposter” because they feel like an alien which has taken over the right side of my brain.
I don’t want to end my life. But this is all the imposter thinks about and tries to get me to do, unless I’m distracted.
Bill and I have been beyond tired and stressed.
So, we really appreciated this past week.
We went camping on Mount Desert Island, at the same spot we camp every year to celebrate our wedding anniversary.
It is beautiful here, our place away from our place.
Much of the time—whether eating, napping, sitting by the fire, reading on my cot, staring at the water—I was distracted from what the imposter was trying to show me.
The rest of the time, the imposter’s images poked through, in this different place, images of me hanging using the tree limbs and extra rope we had in a bag.
We did pass a big test though.
Bill watched the Patriot’s game in town, while I stayed with our dog in our tent (we brought 1 of our 2 dogs camping with us). This is the first time I have been left “alone” since this started. I wasn’t really alone with our dog there. I felt safe because I new if I left the tent, she would start barking—the imposter wouldn’t succeed. It also helped that Bill took the bag of rope with him.
It’s a surreal life we are living right now. But that’s the point.
We are living.
If you have interest in making a donation: https://www.gofundme.com/living-and-medical-expenses-for-amy (there are also several drawings available as well as new “Perpetual Yard Sale” items).
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24-hour): 1-800-273-8255