For over 7 months now, I’ve had what doctors have been calling a suicidal psychosis.
I don’t want to end my life. But, 24 hours a day my brain thinks suicidal thoughts and shows me suicidal images, unless I’m distracted.
I call these suicidal thoughts and images “the imposter” because they feel like an alien which has taken over part of my brain.
The imposter is in constant battle with the part of my brain that wants to live, what I call “the saboteur,” the me. She sabotages the imposter every chance she gets. She’s keeping me alive. She’s even making plans, assuming she’s going to get through this, somehow.
She’s made promises to people, promises to me, that she will do all she can to stay here, to stay with us.
I’m still in bed. I’ve been bed bound the past 6 weeks. I think this is because after these several months of thoughts and images, my brain needs to rest, needs to shut down.
I feel like I’m in jail, trapped in my body and my head.
Nine weeks ago, I had an appointment at Planned Parenthood to see if hormone imbalance could be the ultimate cause of this whole thing. The thoughts and images have been consistently worse just before each period, twice now resulting in hospitalization.
Since my Planned Parenthood appointment, I’ve been on birth control pills. Maybe if we stop my period, it will keep the thoughts from reaching the more-dangerous levels.
I’m also on my 8th antipsychotic drug (Seroquel), to see if it will lessen or eliminate the thoughts altogether.
Meanwhile, a friend sent an article about how brain inflammation can cause suicidal thoughts.
So, when I had a followup with my primary care physician about 10 days ago, I mentioned this and we are trying yet another experiment, taking over the counter anti-inflammatory drugs (Aleve), to see if it helps, to see if there is any difference, any difference at all.
When I can, I force myself out of bed to write a little or walk a little. It’s hard. But I have to, I can’t let the imposter win.
If you have interest in making a donation: https://www.gofundme.com/living-and-medical-expenses-for-amy (there are also several drawings available as well as “Perpetual Yard Sale” items).
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24-hour): 1-800-273-8255