Bed Bound (Part 3)

Bill and I spent Thanksgiving at his parents’ with a great group including two of my brothers and new members of their families. When I’m not in bed, I’m often spacey with difficulty talking. My eyes get real big like I’m looking through everything. I could tell it was hard for my brothers at first to see me this way. But, after each of us had a chance to talk about it, things entered our normal rhythm with each other. It was wonderful to see them, and to finally meet my new nephew Jordan.

It was incredibly difficult to write this, but wanted to provide an update if I could.

For over 9 months now, I’ve had what doctors have been calling a suicidal psychosis

I don’t want to end my life. But, 24 hours a day my brain shows me suicidal images, unless I’m distracted.

I call these suicidal images “the imposter” because they feel like an alien which has taken over part of my brain.

I’ve been in bed, bedbound the past 10 weeks. I think this is because after these many months of images, my brain needed to shut down. 

Antipsychotic drugs haven’t worked, but a Facebook friend sent an article about how brain inflammation can cause suicidal thoughts. 

My primary care physician prescribed over the counter anti-inflammatory drugs, to see if i there was any difference.

During the trial, the images were still here but in the background. As soon as I stopped the drugs, the images entered the foreground again.

The next step is a neurologist consult, and a brain scan (first appointment’s not until February).

Some days, I’m able to do 20 minutes or so of writing the first time I wake up (I sleep a lot). Then my brain turns away and back to the frustrating suicidal images. 

I’ve been using this 20 minutes to apply for grants so I can hire a carpenter and assistants, to help me make new work while finishing my book next year, whatever it takes. 

I’m excited about my ideas, and still confident I will get past this.

My brother Colin, Jordan, Me, my brother Matt’s fiancé Karen, Matt, Colin’s wife Kathy. Both pics by Bill’s sister Deb. xo

If you have interest in making a donation: https://www.gofundme.com/living-and-medical-expenses-for-amy (there are also several drawings available as well as “Perpetual Yard Sale” items).

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24-hour): 1-800-273-8255

7 Comments

  1. Amy, your strength and determination through all you are going through are incredible, as is Bill’s. So glad you were able to be with family and meet your baby nephew this Thanksgiving, (even though it must have been exhausting)! Love those photos! Thank you as always for sharing your journey via this blog. Our love to you, Bill and doggies!

  2. Still praying for you. I miss our get together .
    Glad you got to see family at Thanksgiving ♡
    Love ya roomie
    LeeAnn

    1. Iwanted to tell you that Daisy Mae’s gone over the Rainbow Bridge. She ended up blowing a disc in her Hind and that made her back legs like paralyzed plus she was going deaf and blind she lives 14 years 14 months 22 days those are just years, the rest she will live in my soul. I’m sending you lots of prayers and Good Vibes may you be blessed beyond your imagination, that’s pretty far. Be your beautiful self soon I love you Roomie…. Leeann

  3. So good to hear your voice – – – have you research tumeric – – – a brilliant, simple anti-inflamatory. Hang in there !! Greetings from Betlin, Germany .. . amazing to witness the healing which Art has fostered here. I pray America can grow out of its own current place of disease – – – – LET US each BE the PEACE we want to see in the world – – – need a critical mass as soon as possible – – –

  4. “I’ve been using this 20 minutes to apply for grants so I can hire a carpenter and assistants, to help me make new work while finishing my book next year, whatever it takes.

    I’m excited about my ideas, and still confident I will get past this.”

    I’m so glad to see this – along with the different drugs, treatments and rest, getting back into your work may be a key element in your healing.

    I wish you the best ,
    Lois Anne

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