Bed Bound (Part 3)

Bill and I spent Thanksgiving at his parents’ with a great group including two of my brothers and new members of their families. When I’m not in bed, I’m often spacey with difficulty talking. My eyes get real big like I’m looking through everything. I could tell it was hard for my brothers at first to see me this way. But, after each of us had a chance to talk about it, things entered our normal rhythm with each other. It was wonderful to see them, and to finally meet my new nephew Jordan.

It was incredibly difficult to write this, but wanted to provide an update if I could.

For over 9 months now, I’ve had what doctors have been calling a suicidal psychosis

I don’t want to end my life. But, 24 hours a day my brain shows me suicidal images, unless I’m distracted.

I call these suicidal images “the imposter” because they feel like an alien which has taken over part of my brain.

I’ve been in bed, bedbound the past 10 weeks. I think this is because after these many months of images, my brain needed to shut down. 

Antipsychotic drugs haven’t worked, but a Facebook friend sent an article about how brain inflammation can cause suicidal thoughts. 

My primary care physician prescribed over the counter anti-inflammatory drugs, to see if i there was any difference.

During the trial, the images were still here but in the background. As soon as I stopped the drugs, the images entered the foreground again.

The next step is a neurologist consult, and a brain scan (first appointment’s not until February).

Some days, I’m able to do 20 minutes or so of writing the first time I wake up (I sleep a lot). Then my brain turns away and back to the frustrating suicidal images. 

I’ve been using this 20 minutes to apply for grants so I can hire a carpenter and assistants, to help me make new work while finishing my book next year, whatever it takes. 

I’m excited about my ideas, and still confident I will get past this.

My brother Colin, Jordan, Me, my brother Matt’s fiancé Karen, Matt, Colin’s wife Kathy. Both pics by Bill’s sister Deb. xo

If you have interest in making a donation: https://www.gofundme.com/living-and-medical-expenses-for-amy (there are also several drawings available as well as “Perpetual Yard Sale” items).

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24-hour): 1-800-273-8255