Bed Bound (Part 4)

This is my favorite Christmas present, my Princess Leia hat. Bill’s mom gave it to me. I feel like a warrior princess. Part of the involuntary movement I’ve been experiencing is that my eyes open wide and I space out.

For 10+ months, I’ve had what doctors have been calling a suicidal psychosis

I don’t want to end my life. But, 24 hours a day my brain shows me suicidal images, unless I’m distracted.

I call these suicidal images “the imposter” because they feel like an alien has taken over part of my brain.

Lately, the images are less seeing myself end my life from the outside, and more seeing myself end my life from the inside.

For example, if I’ve hung myself in a doorway, I now see out my own eyes as it’s happening. It’s more real.

I’ve been in bed, bedbound the past 17 weeks. I thought this was because after these many months of images, my brain needed to shut down. But now I’m not so sure.

The imposter’s horrific images, are now accompanied by a more and more frequent and intense, involuntary movement of my body–mostly face, neck, shoulders, upper torso.

It’s worst when I am extra-fatigued, or in any environment where there are multiple people, or lots of activity, or lots of simultaneous input. 

It’s like now the imposter is on the outside too, for everyone to see.

I’ve been trying to put into words what it feels like now that people can see the imposter on the outside of me. I don’t yet have all the words. But here are some:

I feel vulnerable as the movement is happening, in a way I’ve not felt before. It’s like my body has no skin or muscle, that everyone who can see me this way, can see inside of me, right into my chest.

And, I notice that some of the people who see me like this, wish they weren’t seeing me this way–they wish they could take it away, wish they could banish the imposter forever. They look uncomfortable.

Most do their best to talk to me just as they always have. Others talk to me through Bill.

Bill will be sitting next to me, and instead of talking to me directly, they will talk to Bill about me in the third-person, as if I can’t hear them talking. But, I hear and understand everything.

My first appointment with a neurologist, is February 9th. We’re anxious and praying the doctor will know what’s wrong.

My intuition is telling me, that whatever’s been causing this suicidal imposter in my brain these 10+ months, is also the cause of these physical symptoms. 

As scared as we are, we’re still optimistic that we’ll figure this out, that we’ll get through this.

If you have interest in making a donation: (there are also several drawings available as well as new “Perpetual Yard Sale” items).

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24-hour): 1-800-273-8255